Suzy's

..that writing a journal could be this easy!

...I will write a journal.I haven't finished my last one and it's still in the draft box but I'll just start a new one.Today is pretty tough cuz we had a test in PE class and we had to run 12min.That was killin' me but I did it.It's always relaxed to think that it's all over.I'm done for good.At least I don't have to run that much during my four years of varsity.Thank god for that cuz I really hate the time that I can't breathe.Anyways,it's done.I had run five laps~
  And got my train ticket booked this morning.Actually it's no big deal but it's my first time doing it so I just decide to bother to mention,hehe~I will take the bullet train(I know I'm not putting it correct but who cares)with my friend,hopefully friends.I'm really looking forward to the train ride cuz it will take me home.I'm more than homesick~~
  Well I guess this is all I have to write...and ..oh,today is Fay's birthday,so Happy Birthday girlie,hope you are happy~

  Sometimes,I feel that I'm too nice to myself,just not strict enough.I'm spoiled~~
  I sort of having a passion of living,of doing things.Maybe it's because I'm young and immature.But,what the heck!!That's natural.There's nothing to be ashamed of.That's not something I should loathe,quite the contrary,I should value and do it!Emily is right.When I grow older,weariness increases,the thought of rest will be not unwelcome.And certainly,at that time,I wouldn't be this naive,I'd be sophisticated and having lost the passion and romance.
  So,I need to follow my heart,do what I think is the right thing to do.I've already formed a personality and I have all the right to decide for myself.Even if some of the things I do might seem stupid,the result might turn out bad,but I believe I'll learn and grow from it.I will take the responsibility.Hehe~~big step.
  Inner beauty is always something more important,so I needn't to feel inferior.No big deal!I have good  personality and a temperament,that's enough.
  Be rational,be practical,be responsible,be kind and thankful,be sweet and nice,be considerate and conprehenive...Enjoy life btw.

 It's been a while and I haven't been in a good state to write something new.But things do happen.And suddenly I realized that everytime I write about sad stuff.But life's tough,what else am I gonna do?
 Now,I'm just so so so sad.Heartbroken,baffled,exhausted,opressed,I think I'm soon gonna explode.How pathetic!But that's life,gotta face it and solve the problem.
  Sometimes I think I'm too perceptual and romantic,and a lot of idealistic and freaky ideas would pop into my head and then I'd do something I'd later regret.I know there's nothing bad about being sensitive but I just have got to be a little bit rational and realistic to balance.It's the heart that I should follow,not the mind.
  I've met a really cool guy on xiaonei.He's in England now and his English is terrific.Maybe because he's a little bit western as well as Chinese,he has a fanscination on me.Really good bro material.So i just,out of nowhere,came up a thought of sending a gift to him to England for Christmas.Wooooooo....I hardly know him.What if he's a junky?Why would I send a stupid girlie stuff to a guy,and what's more,a pretty cool one.Just because I felt like doing so?Feeling like is what?I was too naive and unrealistic.Too romantic.I did send the gift.But next time,I'd give a second thought.Just because I think he is someone to my taste,it doesn' t mean he really is.I exsert too much on him and it finally would be I like a guy I made of!!!Too stupid.

  I have good enough reasons to frown
for this world was intent on dragging me down
  Hopes have been shattered
and darkness is gathering around 
without leaving even a glimmer of light,of hope
  Even if I'm surrounded by seas of people
I still feel all alone
  Disgusted with myself 
I'm cursing this world instead
feeling that God has delt me the worst hand of card
which is so unfair
  Nothing has turned out the way I had hoped
and life is pressuring me 
   I couldn't breathe
  I feel devastating
and am too weak to make a change
  I'm struggling,through my shattered life
  I'm crying,for help,for hope,for the hell lot of everthing
  I'm sinking,low
  I'm also trying,picking myself up
  Somebody,anybody,just give me a hand
and I would seize it,like I was in a immediate danger
  Please,please teach me to appreciate,not to grumble
  Please,please teach me to value my hard-earned
  Please,please teach me to earn hard
  I fear...
fear that I would lag behind
fear that I would lose my beloved
fear that had picked the wrong way
  I fear...
  The regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow are driving me crazy
even though I'm fully convinced that the burden of today is what I should be worring
  I want so much to perfect myself 
even though I know clearly that I could't ever be perfect 
  I should learn to see the imperfect me perfectly but I am not
insead,I'm picking on myself,always
  Why couldn't I be popular
  Why couldn't I be outstanding
  Why couldn't I be the one I want to be
  Why...
  I hate to wear that disgusting plus ugly mask
however,it seems to be a nessesity for surviving in this as well disgusting plus ugly society
  I can't pursue
nor can I enjoy
  I yell,yell my head off
  I think,knock myself out
finally drew out a conclusion
that there's no use complaining however disillusioned I am by life 
  Look at the better side,look at the better side,look at the better side...
 

  Last night,I had a nightmare!Well,I wouldn't say that it's a nightmare but a very sad dream.It's a dream of death,a dream of the death of someone who's very close to me,a dream of  the death of my dad!
  I remember that I was in a great misery of losing my lovest dad,like my inside was gone.I was unable to speak,to think,and even to cry!In the dream,dad was hit by a bus,and with a long,loud,impleasent,ominouse rubbing sound between the wheels and the road,dad fell.I just couldn't accept the fact.Dad was gone,for good.Staring at dad's bloodless body,I was cursing this world,why take my dad away so soon.I was holding dad's big hand thinking of the past,this hand would always hold mine when crossing a street.My whole world was crashing down.I was in a great,indefinate pain.I was sooo lost.Surely when I woke up and realized that it was merely a dream,I was relieved,but more than that,I realized that life can be so weak and tiny in this world no matter how loved you are.I feel lucky that I wasn't really losing my dad,and I still have him.So I'd do my utmost to love him,in case the dream becomes true too soon.
  This isn't the first time I've had this sort of dreams.This has happened on my mom as well.No matter how desperate and painful I was in those dreams,I still want to appreciate them for letting me preview the things that I fear the most,forteaching me that they are my lovest,they are whom that I value most,and they are the ones whose death would bring me the infinite pain.Neither buds nor guys were whom I dreamed of dead,it dosen't mean they are not important for me,but I have got two to love the most.
  Sometimes,I would put my focus on my buds and other things too much to care or think of them,but now I know what to do and how to balance.Dreams can really teach you something.Love yore parents and care for them more before it's too late! 

  Well,I'm a girl.I like boys especially hot ones.There's a guy I met at the sportsmeeting.He's really hot.I took several pics of him and it's really exhilerating!He's just soooo hot!!He's kinda bad cuz he smokes and even the way he somed was cool in my eyes.He has a hip-pop dressing style.He's there in his hip-hop outfit and hip-pop sneakers and hip-pop cap.He's charming,well,in a way.At that time,my focus wasn't on the match,the game but I was looking at him,well I was appreciating him.I just couldn't lay my eyes away from him like I couldn't see enough.Finally,the sportsmeeting was over and I had to leave.ThenI realized how stupid I must have been staring at him,it was embarrasing to think of that.I was a moron!I felt funny about that.I was adoring someone without knowing him but because of his apperence.But isn't that what girls do?Admiring cool hot boys?I am a girl.So that's totally comprehensive. I like being a girl cuz there're cool boys for me to admire~~

  I really am sinking low especially when weekend comes.I hated the way I have been moping around and not doing anything meaningful.And I'm getting really bad cuz I haven't called back home for ages.Busy is the excuse I find for myself which certainly doesn't stand.Now that I realized that it's a bad thing to do,I should compensate for what I've lost and do it.
  Sometimes I feel that I have good enough reasons to frown for this world was intent on dragging me down.Then I would realize that I was too cynical to  think that way.Sometimes I'd feel inferior and disappointed but why can't I be dignant or having an air of freedom.Class and style can make a person attractive but I believe that a good personality is something more important.
  Winnie and I talked to Xier sis this afternoon.She pointed out that I was too childish and infantile.Well,I bet naive is more appropriate for here.She's right and she indeed has a flair.So I need to learn to be sophisticated and mature.Get to kown how to talk and what to talk about.
  There're a lot for me to change and improve.Well,life is about learning and we'll perfect ourselves along the way.Learn from failure and we'll grow up a lot getting over difficulties.That's life.Can be sweet and bitter.But we should enjoy both.
  University is a preperation for society.So I should value the time and make good use of it.I'll change,in a better way.
  The thing is I know the principles but I just refuse to take a step to change the situation.I've been degenerating.Leisure may fail me.I should be strained.I'm not outstanding in any department,but that doesn't give me a reason to give up on myself cuz that would cause a vicouse circle.Instead,I should get down to change it,to change the state I loathed.My afraid of changing is because I've gotten used to the darkness.Once I've seen the light,I'll love it and pull myself out of the darkness.

  I've been really disappointed in myself for not having been brave enough to start a conversation with a stranger or to raise up my hand to answer a question in a seminar,and I hated myself  for having a passive attitude toward things and a really bad state of mind.Why do I have to be so weak?Why dare I be responsible for the things I have done?Why can't I be confident and keep my chin up high when walking?Why  can't I be attractive because of my personality but not my appereance?Why do I have to be soooo timid?Gee,I suck!
  University life has already come to the track and I'm getting used to it day by day.Still,I feel that I didn't improve much.I'm still the old me in my bad old ways.I tried to improve myself,to take stock of myself but I'd soon revert to type.It's hopeless.
  I need to change the situation,I've got to change it.I need to change myself as well in order to strive for success.Confidence is the most important thing.I should have dignity and insperation.I should be brave to start a conversation to a stranger cuz that's how people make friends.I shoud take up the  responsibility for myself cuz nobody is gonna help me with that.Always follow my heart and mean what I say,say what I mean.When something hit me,then just do it!Do not be afraid,do not draw back.Face it ,grin at it,and love it!

  I'm in a big big dismay.I thought I was probably gifted in learning languages and that's why I found English wasn't so hard an affair for me.But now comes to the language of Japanese,I am not that"standing out".I get baffled with the pronunciation,and my lisening skill is not good enough.What's worse,I'm losing my English!That's a serious problem.I don't have much time for it,and I don't use it as often as I want to.I don't even have a language partner,that's really depressing.I don't have any chances to use it.I feel really bad about that.Everyone has to have something that they can show off but sadly I'm losing mine.I don't know what to do.I feel that varsity life is not that relaxed as I thought,if planed well,it can also be pretty keyed up.The pade of living is not at all slow!We do have English classes but it's unbelievably dull.Everything is on myself,I mean I've got to be motivatied for everthing.It's like"if you don't make a sound,nobody will notice you."It's kinda hard for me because I'm not the kind of person who is confident and likes to "show off".I know I'm well-educated,I know I'm a capable person,but I'm just afraid to show it.It's gotta be changed,must.
  By the way,I'm listening to Winds while writing.They are pretty good.Emily,you still in love with them?Hope you are happy~